In her book Dare to Lead, Brené Brown talks about the idea of “armored leadership.” She explains that armor is the biggest barrier to daring leadership. When the team expresses a concern or shares negative feedback with us as leaders, it can be tempting to brush off their opinion. I know I’m guilty of this at times, and I keep working at it, building my awareness and learning how to say, “I’m struggling with this. I want to take on board what you’re saying… and I might need a little time to process it,” rather than rejecting the feedback. It’s easier to connect with our team, and for them to feel connected, when we are open about our errors and vulnerabilities.

A client of mine was expressing this understanding of vulnerability from reading Brené Brown’s books, of which I am very much a fan. She told me how she applied this thinking to a relationship with a colleague, and as she described it, I could hear some unhealthy dynamics, including what sounded like emotionally destructive behaviors from her co-worker. As we delved deeper in our coaching session, I asked her when it is appropriate to self-protect, and when it is not. I was not comfortable with her assumption that armoring up is always bad.

As a young woman straight out of university, I got a job with an organization that gave all employees training on the evils of self-protection. This had a powerful impact on me. I was a good learner if I was anything at all, so I devoured the book and materials, took in this teaching, and allowed it to change me. I quickly discovered I was really good at self-sacrifice and compromise – so much so that I started to lose my sense of who I was, which had been very strong before that (and one of the traits people had noticed in me as a child). One of the problems with this adaptation I made was that I soon made major life decisions from that position of vulnerability, letting others win, and setting aside what I wanted to elevate the other. Good leadership skills, but not helpful for every situation. In my career and in personal relationships, I failed to ask for what I needed consistently and persistently enough to forge a foundation for a life based on reciprocity and mutual nourishment.

Through long and painful years, I gradually learned that self-protection, aka armor, is not always bad. If you are the leader and therefore the person who holds power over others, you do not need to armor up and can probably lead better through humility, making yourself accessible and down-to-earth. Similarly, if you work with people who are emotionally healthy, armoring up is unnecessary and counterproductive. However, in cases where you are not sure of the safety of the relationship, it is perfectly acceptable and even wise to exercise caution. Self-protection may be necessary for a healthy relationship to develop.

The tricky part of urging readers not to armor up is that those who tend to armor up probably are not aware of it, and those who value vulnerability and deep connection often forget to stand their ground. The latter read and take to heart the advice to not armor up and end up taking a beating emotionally, while the former may armor up unconsciously without even realizing it. We need to bear in mind on which side we tend to fall and who the advice is intended for before we risk taking it to an extreme.

There is such a thing as healthy self-protection. It’s not lashing out or brushing off what’s been said, but rather, it’s having the courage to ask for what you need and persistently be clear about what is acceptable to you, and even creating some distance when the person is being unfair. In our earnestness and eagerness to learn, let’s remember not to veer too far in the direction of vulnerability in situations that are not worthy of it. When there is trust, when you have reason to believe the individual is emotionally healthy, when the track record shows they have your best interests in mind – these are good times to remove the armor, let your fears be known, and open your heart.