Why Good Coaches Don’t Ask Why

I mentor aspiring leadership coaches, and one thing that comes up is asking questions that start with Why. I believe it’s not enough for me to tell them: Start your questions with What, How, or Tell me. Most intelligent people need to understand what’s behind my advice; it’s easier for us to change our style when we know the effect it has on the client. So I often end up telling this story:

I took my little ones to sign language classes where we sang fun toddler songs to help us learn sign language together. One of the parents asked the teacher to show us the sign for Why. The teacher said, “We don’t teach why, because you would just end up using it for unproductive reasons, like, ‘Why are you crying?!’ Toddlers can’t answer that.”

Adults can answer it, but the tricky thing with this word is that most of the time, it leads the coachee down the path of self-critique. More often than not, it even puts the client on the defensive, feeling the coach doesn’t understand or empathize. It can also encourage them towards a sense that change is not possible.

Instead of why, try using What’s underneath your decision to ____? Or What’s behind your sense that _____? The moment we say, Why do you feel that way?, the client may genuinely think they should not feel that way. But shoulds are not useful in a coaching session. Similarly, Why did you do that? instantly triggers regret. As coaches, we can guide clients away from self-criticism, guilt, and regret by wording our questions carefully, remembering the unintended impact some words can have.

Tip: This holiday season, try practicing this skill in your personal relationships. Observe the difference it makes when you stop asking your friends and family Why. As people share their latest news, try questions like, Tell me more about that decision, or What led you to look for a new job? Ask your adolescent kids, What’s important to you about this party? Notice any differences it brings to your stress levels as we roll into the new year.